Intimacy in Conscious Coupling

The attraction between conscious couples is an intense, fiery, passionate and unwavering magnetism that is felt between the two regardless of their age, size, looks or status in life. This kind of interaction has nothing to do with sex either. Although if they choose to physically engage, the same intensity is available to them in bed. What binds their relationship is their desire for one another. That desire goes beyond the superficial reasons why people typically stay together as a couple. In fact, their attraction not only does not fade over time, but intensifies exponentially. This intensity is a culmination of the work each has done individually and then later when they come together as a couple. What the partners find appealing in each other is the combination of an un-tethered self confidence coupled with fierce vulnerability that they share with each other and in the presence of one another.



An immensely powerful exchange is sparked every time a partner is willing to totally and completely open up to in the presence of the other and to fully expose the naked truth of their being. I am sure you can imagine just how scary or terrifying this prospect can be. But this is where true, undying and unwavering intimacy lies. Partners who embark on a conscious relationship acknowledge this as truth and therefore, are not timid or shy when it comes to taking the plunge. They have learned through their own life experiences and individual practice that true intimacy comes with taking great risk. Risk to jump in and bear one's heart and soul completely to the other. This risk, in the end, far out ways the security of remaining safe on the sidelines. True intimacy is a powerful, and authentic, yet uncertain and unrehearsed presence with oneself and one's partner.

To experience this kind of bliss, you can only take the risk if there is complete and utter trust established between the partners. Of course, just building that level of trust can take years in itself. But it's a sure path to deep love and continuous discovery of the self and the other once that trust is established and the willingness to jump in is there for both partners. This kind of trust requires that you not only trust your partner but also trust yourself one hundred percent. No longer encumbered by past wounds, limiting thoughts, and negative self judgment, the couple share everything....the pain, the anguish, the glory, the insecurities, the perversions, and so forth. All the while, embracing every present moment with love, empathy and compassion for one self and the other.

The level of self confidence that each individual has acquired through their own inner work and together as a couple ensures them that regardless of where this process takes them, they will be OK. In fact, they are reassured that no matter what happens or what the outcome may bring, this work only generates further closeness and bonding. Even if at times, one of the couples is engulfed by the overwhelming intensity of their emotions, they trust and know that they will come through in tact. The self confidence also comes from knowing that each partner has their own inner journey and mountain to climb and while the other can hold a loving space, neither one is to be saved or rescued from their path. This knowing allows each individual to stay present to the other while securely positioned with a healthy sense of boundary.

Sharing intimacy at this level is the key to extreme desirability and attractiveness in one's partner. This kind of attractiveness only intensifies with time and experience. The fire under the pot only intensifies the heat inside. This coming together is what Jung referred to as the unification of the opposites, or the coming together of Psyche and Eros, or the masculine and feminine energy. That is why conscious relationships are often another path to individuation and personal growth.

Ellie Zarrabian, Ph.D.
www.centeronpeace.com

Therapeutic Touch

If you or someone you know is struggling with physical or spiritual pain and wants to explore a more gentle, loving and caring approach to pain management, then Therapeutic Touch can be the right direction.

What is it?

Therapeutic Touch is a contemporary healing modality drawn from ancient practices and developed by Dora Kunz and Dolores Krieger. The practice is based on the assumption that human beings are a complex field of energy, and that the ability to enhance healing in another is a natural potential. Therapeutic Touch is used to balance and promote the flow of human energy. Research has shown that Therapeutic Touch is helpful in reducing pain, improving wound healing, aiding relaxation and easing the dying process.

How Does it Work?

Therapeutic Touch uses a practice called, “laying on of hands,” to increase the flow of energy, aid relaxation, promote healing and ease the dying process. The word “touch” is misleading because physical touch is generally not involved. Instead the hands hover over the body.

How Do I Know This is Needed?

If you or someone close to you is having difficulty in the following areas and would like to address these issues using a more gentle and non-invasive approach, then Therapeutic Touch can be very beneficial….Body aches and pain, headaches, agitation, insomnia, digestive problems, terminal illness, and emotional/ spiritual pain around end of life issues.

Why medical intervention is sometimes not enough...

During the many years I worked as a massage therapist, I discovered that people never actually forget or let go of past hurts and painful memories. Rather, many store away the unresolved memories in their body. If these painful occurrences are not addressed or dealt with over the course of a lifetime, sometimes they manifest as physical pain. Nearing the end of life can heighten one’s inner struggle, and in turn create agitation and increased physical pain. Conventional medical remedies do not necessarily address the deep emotional or spiritual pain that people hold in the body. This gentle process of laying of hands on the person’s body, enables the individual to relax deeply, and release the trauma while decreasing agitation and physical pain. The result of this work is feeling more comfort and peace.

Ellie Zarrabian, PhD, CMT

www.centeronpeace.com

www.centerpeaceproject.com

Being Conscious Ruins Self Medication

"I hate connecting with myself when I am about to self medicate" says one of my most diligent and conscientious clients, Evan (not his real name.) Evan is in his late thirties and has been self medicating most of his adult life by over indulging in smoking cannabis, playing video games, and watching pornography. "After a long day of work, I look forward to coming home and escaping into my world. I look forward to ordering my favorite junk food, getting behind my computer and just checking out. Now that I know what it's like to be aware of myself, it has taken away my enjoyment of these thing."

Becoming aware or conscious of one's inner and outer world automatically creates change. Sometimes we desperately seek change. Other times, when it comes down to it and we start to see change take place, fear can kick in. I tell Evan, "Let yourself feel the disappointment, the anger or even the rage that comes up for you when you start to become aware of what you are about to do in that moment."

It's a dilemma to be conscious at times. You don't want to be aware. You don't want to "see" what is really going on, how you are really feeling or the destructive behavior patterns that you are engaging in. It's normal. When we are beginners on the path, this dichotomy is part of the process of awakening. I am used to holding that place for my clients. I know in that moment they both hate and love me. I am taking away something destructive from them and helping them feel better, healthier and happier. Yet, they have relied on those behaviors for survival most of their life and now I am taking away those mechanisms of self preservation.

It can be very scary and exciting when you first begin to develop awareness and start to see change take place in your life. It is exhilarating to know that you can change the old self, the old life, and let go of all the bad habits and destructive behaviors. But it can also be terrifying to not have the old friends to to rely on regardless of how destructive they have been.

In my earlier days when I started out as a young counselor working at a drug and alcohol rehab center, I overly zealous in wanting to help my clients kick their bad habits. I had them join my mindfulness group and encouraged then to develop awareness around their habits. One day one of the more senior counselors whom herself had been an addict approached me and said, "Ellie, I see that you are really fast about having people drop their bad habits, but what are you replacing those habits with? People who have addictions depend and rely on their drug of choice like a child clinging to his/her mother. When you take away their source, what are you replacing that with? You don't want to set them up for failure now."

I was struck by her comment to me. It was unsettling to hear what she said for reasons I didn't know why at that time and I found myself thinking about her comment years past that interaction. Every time I sat in group, I would remember her comment. What are people replacing their bad habits with when they develop awareness? It took me a long time to come up with an answer that finally satisfied me. From time to time, I still think about it but for the most part, I would say, "When you develop awareness, you develop a relationship with your Higher Self. You can call that Higher Self just that, or your more Evolved Self, or your Intuition, God, the Divine or Goddess. It doesn't matter what you call it. What matters is the relationship that you have developed with it." 

The drugs, alcohol, sex and everything else that we cling to, is on some level trying to replicate that relationship or connection with the Self. Even religion tries to replicate that connection but doesn't necessarily succeed. Developing awareness is a physiological process of creating new neural pathways in the brain which were not there before. It requires time, work and practice to develop these new connections and the more you practice, the more your brainwaves begin to shift. There is a ton of research now on the neurophysiology and neuroplasticity of the brain of those who meditate and develop awareness.

I explain this to Evan, and I watch his body relax more. "Oh OK," he says. "I see that as I become more aware and don't need to medicate myself as much, I will develop new ways of feeling that replace the high that I feel when I self medicate." I nod my head and tell him that perhaps the new way will be finding a healthy relationship that can create those same feelings of euphoria in him. He looks at me smiling. We both feel hopeful and see the potential of a better future ahead.

Why it is Difficult to be Conscious

I've been practicing mindfulness for more than twenty years. You would think twenty years of practice would make it easier to live consciously. Yet, both personally and as a professional working with others, I find that living consciously is a daily challenge. First, let me define in my own simple way what it means to live consciously, then explain why it's a challenge and finally, why people still pursue this path despite all the challenges.

For me, living consciously means being continuously aware of what is happening in and around me. Throughout the day, I am checking in with myself as often as I can remind myself to see what it is I am thinking about, how I am feeling, what I am needing or wanting, what I am daydreaming or fantasizing about, and if I am reacting or responding to my inner and outer world. But it does't stop there; Living consciously also means being aware of my external environment, or checking in to see what is happening in my immediate environment. That includes, checking to see what kind and quality of interactions I am having with my surroundings, how I feel in relation to my environment, and if I am reacting or interacting with my environment. As you can see, living consciously is work!

It is a challenge to live consciously because essentially you can no longer live on automatic pilot. You can't just get up in the morning, get dressed, eat breakfast and like a zombie go through the rest of your day. You become unable to just interact with your family or loved ones without thinking about the quality or depth of the relationship. You can't just attend church, temple or mosque without questioning your values and what these religious teachings mean. You can't just sit in front T.V. or play video games, drink, eat, have sex and continue to feel good inside. You can't just exist. Once you are conscious, you can't go through the day watching homeless people sleeping on the streets, see racism, sexism, misogyny, homophobia, human rights and animal rights violation and just blink and keep going on with your day. You can't learn that children here in the United States are being violated, mistreated or used for sexual trafficking and just shrug it away. You just can't! There comes a point when you just can't go on not caring. That's why living consciously is hard!

But the darn thing is that once you become conscious, you can't go back to living unconsciously even if you try really hard. Some days you wake up thinking, "I really don't want to care today. I really don't want to "see" the misery today. I just rather go about my business thinking about my next meal or what I am going to wear to tonight's party." But, fortunately, you can't. Because living consciously is like having tasted ice cream for the first time. Once you taste it, you can't go back to undoing the knowing of how good it tastes. Once you have lived with awareness, and your soul has touched the soul of the world, and you have come alive feeling the vitality and intensity of living life fully, that knowing can not be undone. Even if that aliveness means being in touch with the depths of suffering and pain, you still can't go back to not feeling it. Because if you don't feel the depths of pain and suffering, you can't feel the depths of joy and love either. Living unconsciously is living on auto pilot or going through life not connected to anything or anyone. Basically, feeling numb to everything.

Having lived consciously, you recognize that the pain of being numb is far worse than the challenge of living consciously. That is why most people who live consciously choose to sit with the suffering and pain, rather than the numbness. But people who live consciously, also know that suffering and pain go hand in hand with experiencing love and joy too. It goes without saying, once you have arrived, there is no turning back. Once you begin to care, you are compelled to make a difference. Once you see what is not working in your life, you are compelled to make changes. Whether you make a difference in your own life or in the life of others, change for a better life becomes mandatory almost compulsory. You come out of your complacency and apathy and you get going. When you get going, you are unstoppable and people know it's futile to try and change your mind or stop you. You are no longer operating on auto pilot. Instead, an incredible life force and energy has taken over the driver's seat of your life. That's when you begin to feel energized and a profound sense of joy and well being exudes in your life. Life starts to become exhilarating and intense. You realize you can no longer waste time because life is too short and too precious and you have to make the most of it while you are here. Regardless of how challenging it can get, once you have fully experienced living consciously there is no turning back.

Ellie Zarrabian, Ph.D.
Conscious Living Practitioner and Counselor
www.centeronpeace.com
www.centerpeaceproject.com

“Look into your own eye, and make no mistake,

So that essence of seer and seen become one.

On whatever side you gaze, you shall see my form,

Whether you gaze upon self, or the mass that is visible.

Shun distorted vision and heal your sight,

For the evil eye will be distant from my beauty in that moment.

Beware, lest in error you see me in human form,

For the spirit is extremely subtle, Love is jealous.

What room is there for form, if what is felt extends beyond?

The soul's mirror reflects light that illuminates the world.”

(Rumi's Divan of Shams of Tabriz--A new interpretation by

James Cowan. Element Classics of World Spirituality, P.101)

If you are familiar with the works of Molana Jalaluddin Rumi, and revere him for the beautiful poetry he has written about and dedicated to his teacher and beloved master, Shams of Tabriz, then you are in the right place...read on!

  Through out most of his adult life, Rumi wrote approximately 3,500 odes and 2,000 quatrains about love.  Basically, from the time he met Shams and was touched by his presence, he dedicated the rest of his life to writing and teaching about love.

         

Rumi not only knew and wrote about love, he experienced it so profoundly that he believed this burning rapture would eventually consume him and make him vanish from this world. Those of us who are also preoccupied with the idea or the experience of love go through life having a certain concept of it. Many of us search for it and never seem to find it. Some find it only to watch it flee from them. Others choose to only contemplate and dream about it because they believe it is not a tangible object to have or to hold. But was this magnificent out pour of love purely for another individual, namely his teacher, or was there something else happening within Rumi?

         

In most of his teachings, Rumi discusses the love between the Lover and the Beloved and the unification of the two. He has dedicated most of his poetry describing the journey these two take in order to find one another and the final out pour of love that flows and flourishes once these two unite. There is countless number of references to either the Lover seeking the Beloved or the Beloved seeking the Lover and when the two unite, there is ultimate oneness, and completion of being.

         

While this dance between the Lover and the Beloved is more directed at the union of spirit and matter, it can also be felt between two individuals. For Rumi, Shams was the catalyst responsible for taking Rumi to the depths of his heart and enabling him to discover God or the Divine within himself.

         

Many of us have the false notion that this kind of love is to be found only between two individuals. There fore, we often spend most of our life time being fixated on finding it in someone else and often think that we failed if we did not encounter it along our life journey. This type of love is referred to as "romantic love," where as the more rapturous and intoxicating love is what Rumi referred to as "Divine Love."

         

Divine Love is created through the process of Alchemy. Alchemy dates back to ancient times. It was a science of turning base materials such as lead and copper into more precious substances such as gold and silver. Rumi and other Sufi masters would apply this science to the purification of their own heart and mind. They would spend years studying, praying and meditating with a teacher or a master who would gradually teach them how to turn all their basic human emotions, such as, bitterness, hatred, jealousy, pain and suffering into more pure and refined states or (Haal). The natural outcome of this work would be the kind of ecstatic or intoxicating love Rumi and other masters experienced.

         

While "romantic love" is usually short lived and is always dependent on another individual to provide the feelings within us, "Divine Love," is felt from within the self. It is experienced at any time regardless of one’s outward circumstances in life. In other words, even during the most difficult or trying times, one can be in touch with this inner joy. At the same time, however, once this "Divine Love" is obtained and the individual has become more whole, the chances of creating a more loving and healthy relationship with another person becomes even more likely.  

My blog posts are going to address this process of alchemy to finding inner love that may also translate to outer or romantic love. I feel that there are so many misconceptions about what makes relationships thrive these days that people are often so lost. When they find their way to me, there is a deep sadness that people talk about when addressing their inability to find true love. 

I am dedicating these blogs to all of you out there in search of love. It is my hope to inspire you to find the alchemist within you, who will become the director in helping you find your Shams in this lifetime. 

Ellie Zarrabian, Ph.D.

Founder and Spiritual Director
www.centeronpeace.com
www.centerpeaceproject.com